The Loneliness Nobody Warns You About After Cancer
There is a particular kind of loneliness that comes with a cancer diagnosis.
Not the kind that comes from being unloved or a lack of support or people rallying around you. This loneliness lives right in the middle of a full room. It sits quietly beside you while your partner holds your hand, while your friends message to check in, while your family does everything they can think of to help.
It is the loneliness of knowing there are things you simply cannot say out loud without watching someone you love fall apart.
So you carry it quietly. And quietly becomes very lonely, very fast.
I have been thinking about this a lot since recording Episode 2 of Breast Wise: Unafraid with Dr. Barbara Hochstein, one of New Zealand’s most experienced breast radiologists and a breast cancer survivor herself. Barbara described women arriving at the Aratika Cancer Trust retreats with empty eyes. Women who were surrounded by love and still felt completely alone.
Because here is what nobody tells you: a cancer diagnosis can feel like being strapped onto a rollercoaster you never chose, moving at a speed you cannot control, while everyone around you is watching from the ground. You are dizzy. Your body does not feel like yours. And the people who love you most do not always know how to reach you up there.
Some friends disappear entirely. Not because they do not care. Because fear drives them away. They do not know what to say, so they say nothing. They do not know what to do, so they do not show up. And that absence, however unintentional, cuts deeply.
A friend detox during this time is completely normal. When you are in the thick of an emotional flood, you simply do not have the capacity to manage other people’s discomfort about your diagnosis on top of your own. Letting go of relationships that are draining you during this season is not betrayal. It is survival.
What changed the trajectory of my own recovery was surrounding myself with someone who knew this journey intimately. Someone who did not need it explained. That kind of connection is not a nice-to-have. It is medicine.
If you are a friend or caregiver reading this, here is the simplest thing I can offer you: you do not need to know what to say. You just need to show up and say “I am here for you, whatever that looks like.” That is enough. More than enough.
This conversation continued in a way that genuinely moved me in Episode 2 of Breast Wise: Unafraid. If you have not listened yet, I would love for you to find it and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. breastwise.co.nz/podcast
If you are in Queenstown this month, I am also speaking at the Pink Ribbon Brunch at Sudima Hotel Five Mile. Come and find me. Details here: facebook.com/events/1288877016791810
You do not have to navigate this alone. Nobody should have to.
Katherine Froggatt is a 10-year breast cancer thriver, Evidence-Based EFT Practitioner, Metabolic Health Coach, and founder of Breast Wise, a breast cancer recovery and survivorship coaching platform based in Queenstown. Visit breastwise.co.nz
